Mommy Kombat

Hormonal Mother + Misbehaving Child = Mortal Kombat Fatality (well at least in ones mind...)

On two separate occasions recently, I overheard my wife & my good friends wife utter the following finishing moves as a result of being frustrated / annoyed by their respective misbehaving kids.

 My Wife to our 1+ year old Toddler: "Stop doing that or else I’ll put your hands in a blender & blend it…." Graphic & Gruesome don’t you think?

My Friends wife to their 2+ year old Toddler:
"You better listen or else I’m going to twist your ears & pull them off…" Wow another brutality over here.

I’m sure at some point or another most, if not all mothers, have epic Mortal Kombat moments like this with their kids & in my Neanderthal opinion clearly they have anger management issues.

It’s no wonder men end up being called soft when they comfort their kids after these encounters with mother dearest. So can you really blame us for wanting to comfort them? Honestly - what would the point be if both parents snapped on their kid & acted all crazy eyed other than sending their kid into complete mental breakdown. The way I look at it is in all situations with kids, one parent has to play Bad Cop & the other Good Cop, but both parents need to alternate these roles so that it doesn't become unhealthy with one parent being sole Evil villain & the other one Angel like.

In conclusion, I feel the need to expand on what I previously said in an older post "Hell hath no fury like a prego & angry mother"(As you can tell im evolving this old cliché about woman...)

Peekaboo

Peekaboo - Who the F*#&$ hiding behind the Costumes???

Let me start out by saying that i simply loath the teletubbies show. (As I'm sure all adults do.)

After doing some research on the world wide web, I’ve discovered that the Teletubbies series currently airing on Cbeebies was actually filmed between 1997 & 2001 which explains the same episodes appearing regular. While this doesn’t affect me too much at the moment, I do feel very sorry for my in-laws who are exposed to it every weekday as they take care of my smallie who’s simply addicted to the show. Catching it on the Telly oneday while fetching my toddler did however arouse my curiosity as to which bunch of sick desperate actors stood in line to firstly audition for the roles & secondly have the fortitude to perserver playing such paper thin characters for 4 years straight…surely having Teletubbies on your acting resume holds you in good stead to say, be a lead role in a deaf movie? 

Anyways, for those interested in who these fools are see below lets reveal the true identities of our Toddler Heroes…[Cue Drum Role]

From left to right you have:

- Nikky smedley = Laalaa
- Simon Shelton = Tinky Winky
- Pui Fan Lee = Po
- John Simmit = Dipsy

As you can see the casting agent clearly got the Racial & Gender Equality spot on…

While most of the aforementioned actors became typecast & their careers ended up as Tubby Toast, at least one of them, Pui Fan Lee, went on to to star in other TV Shows...now that is an achievement...Give that lady a bells!

I.R Balloon

I.R Balloon

Isn't it amazing how all toddlers love balloons? My little girl goes wild whenever she sees them & I've noticed that it’s as if she enters a hypnotic trance when she spots them. It was this exact behaviour lately whilst walking with her in the mall that raised my suspicions about them & aroused my investigative roots.
 

A brief search on Google about its origins has indicated that the Rubber Balloon was first invented in 1824 by Michael Faraday via experiments using various gasses. However, the history of Balloons has a much darker past which traces back all the way to the Aztec civilization with the original material experimented with being Animal bowels as part of a sacrificial ritual to their Gods...could there be something we've missed from this form of paganism?

Ok so we've evolved away from these barbaric Balloon types, but I'm still convinced we're possibly missing something that can link them as part of a bigger Toddler hidden addiction akin to the way Cigarettes & Alcohol are a vice to adults.
 
So i guess more investigation is required to put together a solid conspiracy theory. All I’m saying is there's more to their existence than meets the eye...
 

Don’t mess with the Prego

Don’t mess with the Prego

If you have any kids then I’m sure you can relate when I say that “Hell hath no fury like a Prego” (Pregnant Woman)

To all the brothers with no kids yet & who think that their Partners are hectic when they get their PMS….well ”You aint seen nothing yet”. Let me inform you that just because women don’t PMS during pregnancy, it doesn’t mean that the coast is clear. Oh no, quite the contrary actually. Various hormones are being generated hourly that will cause your wonderful partner to become a homicidal maniac at times. Throw in the additional weight & increased thermoregulation caused by the developing Zygote & you’ll end up with a tired, frustrated, awkward, self-conscious human being who is ready at any second for no apparent reason to open up a 6 pack of whoop ass on you…. Its times like this you wish you were like Wolverine…

On that note let me offer some damage control advice to the fathers of tomorrow:

• Shower her with affection & say "I love you" as often as possible no matter what - She might not understand how you can find a Double Door Fridge attractive but hey we don't understand why they talk so much either.
• Console her by telling her that from the back you'd never say she was pregnant or that she looks exactly the same as before the pregnancy except for the fact that she swallowed a watermelon . - This will help tremendously when her increased size gets her down & she complains about how she feels like a T-Rex as she believes the ground shakes when she walks.
• Offer to give her foot massages or perform them whenever she requests - even if her enlarged feet reek like a pack of old nik naks...just think happy thoughts...
• Help out with household chores as much as you hate them - a note for sweeping, don't extend your arms to the point where have to reach far to get the dust as you will end up bending your back & look like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame.
• Try to accomodate her random cravings as best as you can - Try substituting items that aren't in your fridge / kitchen cupboard with ones that are readily available even if you have to get up late at night to make them. (Bor at 12am - no chance...how about a glass of water honey pie)

I guess there are many more tips i could offer but why spoil the journey for you :P

Finally, always remember that deep down inside of her lies the wonderful, amazing woman that you fell in love with in the beginning of your turbulent relationship.

The Battle at Home

The Battle at Home...Ryu Vs Cammy

There are often times when arguments with my wife feel as if they're straight out of a Ryu Vs Cammy Matchup...figuratively of course.

More often than not, she'd initiate the fight with her array of special attacks caused by something that I did or did not do which often happened in the past, but was triggered by an incident on that day, I'd do the gentleman thing & block until my health bar dropped low enough to the point that death was imminent. Most times I'd perform enough damage control & reasoning to see out the round by virtue of her running out of steam so that the timer of the round ends.

On the odd occasion when things get really heated & she attacks me with all she's got to the point when I'm taking as much punishment as humanly possibly I’d snap, become Evil Ryu & unleash the wrath of the aftermath on her ass. Fireballs, Hurricane Kicks & Dragon punch remarks flow from my mouth like I'm Eminem rapping. I’m not proud of it but I must admit - I kill for fun.

I eventually come around & make good once I'm done spewing my chemical waste...after all I am & always will be a Good Fellow...

The Battle Within

The Battle Within...Ryu Vs Ken

For me this matchup represents the ultimate battle that rages inside oneself. Good Guy Vs Bad Boy.

More often than not we will use the corresponding persona which best suites the situation.

At the end of the day Good will always prevail - well in theory at least.